How many times do I wake up and BOLDLY say the Third Step Prayer, only to find myself caught up in a whirlwind of fear moments later?
Fear of the unexpected creeps in.
Fear that my current circumstances will never change, obsessing about outcomes, and worrying that I may have made too many mistakes are some of the things that plague me if I do not keep up my positive connection with The Divine. I am a natural Truth Seeker, so today my goal is to explore the “why” of this phenomenon.
I diligently turn my life and my will over to God as I understand Him, then ‘POOF!’ My courage vanishes as quickly as it came on just moments before.
A peculiar mental twist?
Page 33 of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous mentions such a twist, and I’m fairly certain that this can happen to us recoverees in situations that involve things other than alcohol, especially in situations involving the magnificent, magnifying mind. ☺
Why does my alcoholic brain have this tendency to overthink, and a compelling need to “figure everything out”?
I remember reading somewhere that this obsession of the mind is also called “rumination”;
Why do I ruminate instead of trusting God like I say I am going to in those treasured morning prayers?
I suppose it’s another form of addiction; perhaps I’m addicted to the idea of “figuring everything out” (Can we see the EGO coming into play here?)
All I know for sure is that I am very grateful for The Twelve Steps, My Sponsor, and some other beautiful closed-mouth friends who remind me on a daily basis of the age-old word: “powerlessness” and the “step before the steps” which, I am told means becoming willing to make a change before taking action to change.
After that, I am led to making the admission that I am, indeed, powerless, over people, places, and things which ultimately leads to a spiritual; journey of transformation, a journey that begins with a pen and a sheet of paper.
So it looks like there is going to be a lot of writing in my not so distant future; writing about powerlessness over life’s events and how my life will become unmanageable very quickly if I do not turn everything, and I mean EVERY LITTLE THING over to God.
I reached out to a dear friend yesterday in a moment of fear and uncertainty, and she reminded me that Faith is a muscle that needs to be exercised over and over again, so is reaching out to others in recovery. “If we don’t use it we might lose it” is a popular saying in recovery that comes to mind.
Having a plan of action always helps, so in addition to those morning prayers and exercises in faith, I will call my sponsor and closed-mouth friends regularly, journal my successes and read over where God has come through for me time and again in my sobriety journey, and attend meetings regularly.
I’ve slacked off a bit over the years, and God is CLEARLY telling me in so many different ways that He places the people He places in my life for a reason, and that I need to lean on them, not run away and isolate when the fear creeps in. Isolation will only fuel the infamous “squirrel cage” that can become of my brain. I definitely do NOT need that. Nobody around me does.
In conclusion. My alcoholic mind will always look for something to latch on to that can be potentially addictive.
Might as well give it something healthy, right?
That way, when fear knocks, Faith will be dressed in its armour and ready to answer the door with some zest!